So much to say I don’t know where to start. I believe I said before that I moved every 3 years until I was 14 (I don’t remember, so bear with me.)
I have a best friend (an only friend). I have known her since I was 16 (12 years). The longest friend by far I have ever had. She has been through everything with me, thick and thin. I love her to death.
I go through periods where I don’t talk to her because I am into drugs bad, but when my life falls apart (which it always does) she is there for me. She is strong (personality wise.)
Now comes the twist. She was diagnosed a month ago with stage 3 lung cancer (fuckin’ 28 years old.) I hadn’t talked to her in a year and began are friendship again.
I have realized I am the shittiest friend ever. At this point I haven’t talked to her in probably a month. I want to be there for her so bad, but I am so scared. I can’t imagine a world without her in it. No matter what she has always been a constant in my life. I have always known that at some point I could pick up the phone and call her and she would be there for me to lean on.
I feel like I need her so much that if I don’t talk to her it isn’t really happening. I think about her everyday and I know I am the worst friend there ever was. I need to reconnect with her and be there for her. So what do I do, drugs. I emotionally disconnect so I don’t have to deal with the pain that the only “real, true friend” I’ve ever known may die.
I am listening to “the wedge” Phish. So wierd, favorite phish song that brings me back to my late teens when I followed them (CRAZY TIMES.)
Any way, I hope there is someone out there who may feel like this or something. I don’t know, all I do know is that I suck.
Lesson #5: call her, stop being such a shitty friend. Face fear and live in reality instead of a fucked up drug addicted selfish fake world
I can’t believe this. People are actually finding this site. That’s crazy. Thanks for the comments.
This started as a place where I can just get shit out and talk (type.) It’s insane, but I don’t think I have ever been totally and completely honest with anyone. I just want to get it out.
I am a drug addict to the core and I fuckin hate it. It’s such a curse. I am going through it bad again right now and am totally out of control. I know what to do (I have collectively spent two and a half years in rehab since I was 15.
There is this incredible fear there. I spend almost all day with my mind racing about what I am doing again to my life. I had a small stint in recovery for almost 3 years starting when I was about 22. That is the only time in my life when I was able to relax. And for some reason I am afraid of it.
My life has been turmoil from the beginning. I can’t handle living without drugs, eventhough everything around me is crumbling. I always have to have something to do, trying not to think about the truth.
What is the fuckin truth? I have no idea. I live in this fairytale in my head where everything is perfect. But lately the truth has been sneaking in (like right now). I am going down hard and fast. And try so hard to keep those thoughts and feelings out of me.
Numb…Numb…
“I want to get clean tomorrow, I want to get clean tomorrow” I don’t even know how long I’ve been telling myself that. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to walk through my fear (or get dragged through it) and get clean.
Lesson #4: This is a hard one because I’m not sure what it is. I can say though that it probably has to do with the truth and living in reality.
WOW I should be keeping up with this a lot better. Thanx for the comments, it helps to hear from other addicts.
Let me tell you what, I am really going through it. I don’t think I’ve reached a new bottom yet (2003 heroin kick was pretty bad).
My cycle of drug use is pretty wierd, atleast I think so. It goes: I do drugs and fuck up my life, I run home to my parents, I go to rehab (where I do really well), I get out, stay clean for a minute and then start using again. Anyone else out there do that?
The cycle needs to end somewhere. I need to get help, I know what to do but I don’t do it. I am so AFRAID! Doing well in rehab is easy, I just can’t figure out how to live in this world without doing drugs.
Lesson 3:When I’m scared, shut my eyes and jump
The waiting game…..when does it end. This is one of the horrible, anxiety filled parts of being a drug addict. when is it gonna come? Should I call again? The entire time that is all you can think about. You try to fool yourself into keeping your mind off it by doing other things, like writing a blog post, but we know it isn’t gonna work. Any good drug addict knows that once you try to get it, you won’t stop until you do.
This seems to follow me through life. I am always waiting for something. Usually things to get better, to change, other people to change, a better job, car, etc. then everything will be ok. That is one of the biggest lies I have ever told myself. Life is happening and I spend my time watching from the sidelines, trying to stop it, or hide from it. No wonder I have been dubbed a “turtle” by my old friends.
I hate change though. I guess everyone does. It is also when I feel the best. I don’t know if that makes sense, but if it does leave some kind of comment so I can talk to you. I moved every 3 years of my life. I am constantly in a state of moving somewhere different. I don’t think I have lived in a place over a year since I was out of high school. Basically the only constant in my life is change and drug addiction.
Lesson #2: STOP WAITING!
What to say, what to say. I have so much to say until it actually comes time for me to talk (type I guess). I’ve never been someone who journaled or kept a diary for more than a month, so we’ll see what happens.This is my first blog and my first post, I guess you could call me a blogging virgin, hopefully I won’t become a blogging junkie (hee hee).
I am excited to be starting my own place were I can go and talk (type) freely, saying whatever I want to say without holding back. That is what I want out of this experience, truth. No more stories or covers to explain why I am the way I am, or to make people believe that I’m not having any problems. I will try to stay out of my fictional reality, where I drift off in my head running through a poppy field without a care in the world.
I have no idea who I am, who I’m becoming, or who I was. Emotionally I am an 11 year old trapped in a 28 year olds body (which I have been told on many occasions by various counselors). They always ask you the same question “who are you”, I hate that question more than anything in the world. Is it a trick? I say “an addict” and they say “well that is part of you but it isn’t you. Who are you?” I struggle through some lame answers and then they throw at you “that is what you need to do, find out who you are”.
I realize how pessimistic I am being so far in my first post. I guess it’s that kind of day. Hopefully at some point someone out there will be able to relate to my mistakes and the lessons I’ve learned from them, or the lessons I’m supposed to learn but feel the need to keep testing.
I am now signing off for the evening. Hopefully drifting off into a blissful slumber.
LESSON #1: When you want to do something, just start and eventually things will fall into place. You hope for the right place, but sometimes the things get a mind of their own and end up falling into places all over the place. That’s when it is time to pick up the pieces and start again.